waiting to exhale

What do you do when you're extremely happy and at the same time heartbroken? I don't know. Don't know.

The much-awaited Eraserheads reunion concert ended for me, and I think for most of us, on such a strange note. Quite hard to explain. To say that the Eraserheads reunion concert was a rollercoaster ride is an understatement. The gamut of emotions felt last night cannot be fully expressed here.

I first got wind of the concert from my brother's friend Jaemark, whose blog I usually stalk. Apparently the rumors took a life of their own, mostly through the net, and the build-up was the most intense I have ever seen for any concert. More than talk and speculation, there was just so much emotion invested in this event. Simply because we're talking about the Eraserheads. The single most loved phenomenon in the local music industry of this generation. I was about 13 years old when the Eheads were peaking. I've never actually owned an Eheads CD, and until last night I had never been to any of their concerts. But I, like any other sane Pinoy of my age group, absolutely loved them. They are so much a part of contemporary culture , and their songs brought and continue to bring to life what we mortals only thought and felt. They truly are the soundtrack to our lives.

So there it was, for the past month this great big sleeping giant was slowly waking up. And after all that hoopla with Philip Morris, we learned that it was truly pushing through. I bought my tickets at Greenbelt 1 as soon as I could last Thursday. Psyched myself up (as if we could surpass the already immense excitement) by playing Eheads songs at work. Texted people I thought would be coming. I myself was going with Mark, Camille and Len, but I was hoping to meet others there as well (stretching my luck was more like it).

By Saturday we were all pumped up and ready to go. I went to SURP, after which I went back home to get the car, and fetched Camille who was at a fieldtrip in Manila. By this time Mark, Len and I had found ourselves stuck in traffic, under pouring rain, and constantly checking the radiator in fear of overheating.

"What else could go wrong?" was what we kept asking ourselves and each other. Which really meant, what could possibly go wrong during the concert? I mean, this was an Eheads concert, and an extraordinary one at that. Anything could happen. We were almost sure there would be a stampede. Or that the rains would transfer to Makati and drench us all.

But none of those happened. Instead, we were, as if by magic, given SVIP passes. Yessss! I never even thought there was something better than VIP. I said goodbye to my Patron tickets, and proceeded to grab free "pa-demure" sandwiches served on trays by waiters, plus drinks. SVIP - whatever it means - definitely rocks. Too bad I couldn't get Shiva in. Sowi. :(

When the band (are they still a band? they most definitely were tonight) came out after a riveting countdown, it was just...stunning. They looked so sharp, so present, so alive. They were together. Onstage. Singing songs as a band once again. For everyone there, this was a dream come true. This was history.

Len noticed Buddy taking several deep breaths right before they sang the first song, and we knew that they wanted this to work out perfectly. We all did.

It was perfect, really (they sang With A Smile, which basically made my night). It was going so well. Then Ely took a pause after Lightyears (tama ba?) and sat down on the floor. After that they went to intermission for more than thirty minutes, and never came back as a complete group. Instead, Ely's sister read a message saying his brother had been rushed to the hospital.

And then, just silence. Palpable silence, silence in our minds and hearts. It was as if reality had been yanked from underneath us and we were all suspended.

Like I said, anything could happen. Something was bound to happen, and we suspect everyone in the audience felt it right from the beginning. We sensed something was very wrong when Quark and Mich Dulce and everyone else in their, hmm, posse, started to leave. After that, the crew started packing the instruments.

We just didn't want to entertain the thought, I guess. Long after the announcement, we were still in various states of denial. We lingered at the venue for nearly an hour.

Later that night Len pointed out how this concert was, for her, supposed to bring closure to the Eheads saga, a definitive event that would tell us all where they stand, wherever that is.

But we didn't get that ending. That's how it felt for me, unfinished. Just like when they broke up. It was as if someone/something is telling us that there isn't any period to the story yet; wala pa ring tuldok, gustuhin man nating lahat para na rin sa kapanatagan ng loob. Pero wala eh. It's like we've been inhaling for such a long time, and we haven't let the air out yet.

Which is not to say we weren't content. The fact that they were standing onstage together was amazing already, and the 15 songs were more than enough. We didn't even expect them to perform for more than 45 minutes. First song pa lang, sulit na.

And that's the strange thing, this mixture of emotion. The highs and lows in a single blow.

More than anything, we pray for Ely's recovery. Last time I checked he was stable. Thank God. I heard they were set to do 30 songs, and according to Manong Railing (the burly male staff by the railing separating us from the stage) they were supposed to take breaks every 10th song, but Ely pushed it. His health finally gave in after the 15th song. Was thinking maybe he felt he had to push as far as he could, because the moment he stopped to rest, that would be the end of his night (but this is just me overanalyzing).

There's been a growing buzz (yep, this early) about a Part 2. But the producers and promoters haven't said whether or not this is possible. It would depend on a lot things, most of all Ely's health.

A continuation would be great, but that's in the future. Right now, all I know is that the Eheads have made history, and we're all still holding our breath.